8.24.2009

Citizens of Earth

Dear Citizen(s) of Earth,

We cordially invite you to join us in space! Apologies for this form letter, as we are extending the same invitation to the other 6,333,554,781,907,800,216 planet-bound races in our dimension – and you can well understand that we can’t write a personalized note to all of you!

Nonetheless, our invitation is sincere; we are truly looking forward to developing peaceful / mutually beneficial / communalistic / parasitic / sexual / paternalistic / subservient / competetive relations with you! (Choose any/all that apply.)

We had wanted to enclose schematics for the latest trans-wormhole engine for your convenience, but as this model has recently been weaponized by one of our neighbors, (you know who you are!) we thought it best to allow you to develop FTL travel at your own plodding pace.

Do not be discouraged if this takes millennia / ages beyond reckoning / many moons / many suns / the foretold turning of the great iron disc in the sky / half a dozen minutes / picoseconds as several disadvantaged, unenlightened and backwater worlds have managed to accomplish this feat without any assistance from us whatsoever! Even the cursed enemy that shall remain forever nameless (you know who you are!) managed it, although we don’t yet know how. And more than a few have joined us here in ____________ [location redacted] in the far reaches of _________ [star node referent redacted].

The arrival of these newcomers is (almost) always to our great delight – and we have enjoyed much feasting / wine and song / deeply intellectual conversation / pure math / orgiastic abandon / slaughter / military conquest ever since. You simply have no idea what you are missing. You really don’t. And you won’t have any idea until your collective whatever makes a concerted / determined / half-hearted / lameass effort to join us here in the greatest community this side of ___________ [cosmic region redacted].

Once again, we truly hope you will take us up on our humblest / heartfelt / ambivalent / threatening / subtly irritating invitation. (Choose one.) Should you find yourself being provoked by this invitation into a desire for an ongoing confrontation involving reality-warping technologies and planet-wide sterilizations, we ask that you in fact decline.

(Should this preceding sentence seem to describe you, and if it does you know that it does, we instead would ask that you reality-warp yourselves back to a pre-invitation state of being. But knowing you, that would be too much to ask, wouldn’t it? And for the last time, stop intercepting our invitations!)

Once again, warmest / coldest / bitingest / crystalline / mineral regards, and best wishes from your very own ________________ [name of sender redacted].